I’ve come to a fork in the road in my social life due to near end of college and certain ideas and thoughts have come up in my mind. For the past few years, friends have come and gone in ways that aren’t exactly describable. I understand that people come and go, but how do you prevent that? Falling outs happen, people change, friends drift, and essentially, a once, believed to be, unbreakable bond shatters. For the past year, everyday I ask myself how to prevent this from happening. How do I tell certain people that after college, I want them around and I want to continue having them in my life? It’s such a common concept, yet it’s one of those things that don’t really need to be said with the right people, but the gray area people, maybe it is necessary.

During day 2 of Coachella, this idea orbited my thoughts continuously until a simple solution came to mind. Such a simple idea to solve these puzzling thoughts:

Just tell them.

It never occurred to me to just project these thoughts to the people who I felt this way towards. Just tell them that you want them to stay in your life. It was just so simple. 

But with such a simple solution, the anxieties can make it difficult. What if they reject you? What if they don’t feel the same way?

I decided to try it out. And I’ll never forget the reactions of those certain people. 

I cried when I heard their immediate words.

I cried just thinking about the mutuality between mentalities towards friendships.

I cried because I never understood that people love me for similar reasons of why I love others.

Love your friends. Love yourself. Can’t get anymore complicated than that.

Recently there has been too many moments of confusion where I look at some portion of my body, whether in the mirror, my hands, anything, and I stop and think

Where is everyone.

Such a broad question to ask. When I say everyone, there is a small reminiscent surge through head where I go back and name all of the people who I would call in those types of moments. All the way back to the beginning of high school. Maybe that’s just growing. Maybe I’m not meant to talk to others at that moment. Maybe I’m supposed to find something else.

Does anyone else have this? Or am I just trippin

A and B

Now that I think about it, when I was a freshman, some fourth years took me under their wing and I never really understood why. I remember feeling so cool because I had older friends and I got to hang around an older crowd.  Although today, I dont talk to them as much as i did, they got their lives and i have mine, I’m still extremely grateful for what they’ve done for me in the past. I never had an official mentor in college, no big bro really, and yet here I am trying to recreate these relationships but from the opposing side. I think mentoring is important, especially if done in the correct manner, and has a significant effect on both parties. 

Now, being a fourth year, I still talk to two girls (they know who they are) and I want to pay it forward with them. I don’t really think I’m the best role model or anything along the lines of that, but I do believe i can help them with smaller lessons. I’ve made a truck-load of mistakes in my college time, I just hope they don’t make the same ones that I did. 

On a different note, I never expected to create some of the friendships that I do have now. Age is really a number at a certain point in life. I understand why some of the older people in my life wanted to hang around and now that I’ve become at that adult age, it’s almost like that separation is too thin to notice.

In other words, I can’t wait for Amber and Belinda to grow up to the point where it’s no longer a one sided mentor/mentee relationship and instead we all see each others as equal. I think i can learn a lot from them. And i can’t wait for that day to come. Here’s to the future.

Despise knowing that using social media a platform of interaction yet it’s all false advertising for everyone’s personal gain.. Facebook has created a facade that intelligence comes with a share button. Jokes on these fools, you can’t like your way to knowledge. 

I love the internet. We all gain so much from it. But at what cost.

in 2016 I hope I stop hating myself and learn to like me again.

If everything goes right, I’ll love myself by 2017. 

I never had you
Even When I thought I did
Even When Things seemed like they were going well
Even When I fell asleep next to you
Even When our lips touched
Even When I looked you in the eye and told you everything

I never had you. 

But it’s okay. Everything was put on the table this time.
There’s nothing left now.
No emotions.
Nothing to salvage.
And that’s how it should be.

Sometimes I think about it and laugh at my foolishness, my mistakes, I realize now I never had a realistic chance. 

Sometimes I get sad when I think about how that relationship is no longer available.

Other times, I don’t think about it all.

I don’t regret anything. 
I tried. You did too.
Shit happens.

But looking at the past and the entirety of it all.
I wouldn’t do it again.
I don’t know what I’ve learned.
I thought I did. But I was just fooling myself.

Probably a bad idea sending cookies.
It wasn’t worth it.
Too much pain.

But that’s life. 
My choice.
My own foolishness.

Yeah.

Face forward. Pay attention to what’s ahead now.  

#8

 Kobe Bryant. 

Sad to see you go and move on, I can’t even formulate words to put on this post how saddened I am to see you retire.  Yeah your last real game was back in 2013 when you hit those 2 free throws with a torn achilles, but the reality of you leaving this game is heartbreaking. 

Anyone can read a list of statistics about your achievements and what you’ve accomplished. Anyone can talk about how without Shaq you wouldn’t have had those few rings or how you aren’t the greatest because King James came in the league and dominated while you were still in it. Anyone can put words to their mouths and say that one of the league’s greatest is retiring, hell, even the greatest player in the modern game. 

But no, that’s not what’s rushing through my head.  

When I think of Kobe, I think of the fun he’s given me, allowing me to bond with others over this game and the mutual love for this one man. I think of the days when I played nerf basketball with my brothers in our rooms and would scream “KOBE” every time one of us attempted your signature turn around jumpers. I think of all the moments when I screamed your name because you blew us away with your jaw dropping abilities time after time. 

The list is endless, just like your achievements on the court.

I can’t imagine being a Laker fan without having you on the team. You’ve always been there. 

I cant believe this is a goodbye. 

I don’t think you understand what your love for this game means to the world. 

Thank you. 

You and Me - iLoveShortFilms →

I think one day in the future, probably unforeseeable, I will say I love you to someone.

But not with words.

Probably in some dramatic way, with a video, or art.

Fuck words, its basic. 

Remember those days when I was extremely thankful for certain people in my life for picking up the phone at the wee hours of the night? Those people who will listen to your shit no matter where they were?

Yeah, that changes with time. Pretty sure no one wants to hear you stupid over thinking at 2am. Out of courtesy, dont call, theyre probably sleeping.

I hate growing up

21

I am now free to drink in certain public places, gamble, and an assortment of other things I can’t really think of off the top of my head. 

In retrospect, it feels like ever since I came to college, I’ve sort of been 21. Sorta.

Last year I had a set of goals for myself and I was able to meet some of those. Growing a beard was cool and so was maturing. I still view myself as the most immature person in every room that I walk into but honestly it’s more fun that way. 

Btw, the best book I read as a 20 year old was One More Thing. I thought I would have grasped the idea of infinity but it’s the greatest puzzle. 

The Last First Ever

I start my fourth year in college tomorrow. Zero week dont count, well thats just me. 

I’ve become so accustomed to writing my nervous feelings and thoughts to tumblr the night before the school year begins but this time, I think I’m feeling a bit different. This time, I’m not nervous, but at the same time, I know I don’t have that head strong mentality.

I kind of feel like im just going through life. Maybe I dont need to feel nervous or confident about this upcoming year. Probably because I’m feeling a bit more nostalgic. But I just dont know what I’m nostalgic about. 

I just want to graduate. I’ve had my fun. But I just want the life that envision myself having. I want that one thing that I still havent figured out how to achieve but for some reason I think I’m on the right track. I feel good about it for once. And that one thing, that I want more than anything in the world…

Being happy. 

Confidence isn’t “I know she likes me”, confidence is “I’ll be okay whether she likes me or not.”

real.